Sex — The Door

Church Thoughts · 002 I was still there in church. The cold floor had now started feeling normal to my body. At first it was uncomfortable, but after some hours, your body adjusts and you almost stop noticing it. The night had grown deeper. You could hear almost everything — dogs barking from a distance, the wind outside brushing against the iron sheets, and sometimes complete silence. After sitting for some time, I felt pressed and knew I needed to go to the toilet. Honestly, I did not want to.

It was probably the coffee. I had already taken one cup, then another, and now I could not hold it anymore. The toilet was a bit far from the church building, and being alone at night feels different. During the day, you walk there without even thinking. But at night, every sound feels louder than it really is. I stood there for a few seconds just thinking. Then I told myself, Makena, just go. I picked up my phone torch and walked out. Dogs were barking somewhere in the darkness.

I could not see them, but hearing them was enough to make me walk faster. My heart was beating a little faster than usual, but I managed. I relieved myself and came back. When I entered the church again, I somehow felt warmer. Maybe because I had moved. Maybe because I had conquered a small fear. I looked at the instruments. The keyboard was there. The speakers. The mixer. I decided to connect them. Not for noise. Just for atmosphere. At that time, our mixer had a problem, and we did not even have the right jack to connect audio directly from the phone.

So I used what was available. I connected the keyboard, the speakers, and managed to play some very low music. Very low. Because the church was a shared extension, and the caretaker lived nearby with his family. He had a small baby, and I did not want to disturb them at that hour. So the music remained low. Just enough for me to hear. Just enough to break the heavy silence. Just enough to feel like worship was breathing inside the room. After that, I made a second cup of coffee.

The first one had already gone cold. I held the cup for a moment before drinking. My hands were cold. The coffee helped. Then I went back to where I had been sitting. My blanket was there. My bag was there. My Bible was there. I opened my simple Good News Bible again, and this time I began reading from Psalms. I read slowly. No rushing. No preaching. Just reading. Sometimes reading, then stopping. Sometimes staring at one verse for minutes. Sometimes reading while thinking about life.

And as I was reading… a thought entered my mind. Random. Unexpected. Strong. Sex. I stopped reading. I looked at the Bible. Then I looked around the empty church. Then the words came into my spirit: Sex... the door. I just sat there. Quiet. Thinking. I asked myself… Why sex? Why now? Why in church? And I started thinking deeper. I thought… maybe sex is one of the strangest things God ever gave man. Because in that one act… spirit, flesh, emotions, desire, memory… everything somehow meets.

I thought to myself — we say we are spirit. We pray. We fast. We worship. We seek God. But somehow through sex… spirit touches flesh in one of the deepest ways. And I sat there asking myself: Why is it that through sex people become attached? Why do people cry after it? Why do some feel empty after it? Why do some feel connected after it? Why do some lose themselves in it? Why do some find covenant in it? Then the thought came stronger — Maybe sex is not just an act. Maybe sex is a door.

A door into another person. A door into vulnerability. A door into pleasure. A door into pain. A door into covenant. Or sometimes… a door into regret.

A Memory From Tigithi

And as I sat there thinking, another memory came into my mind. Years back, when I was in high school at St. Joseph Tigithi Boys High School, I served as the Christian Union chairperson. Many students would come and talk to me. Some came for prayers. Some came for advice. Some came because they were carrying things they could not tell anyone else. One night in the dormitory while we were sleeping, one of my friends suddenly shouted loudly in his sleep: "Niwacheni... niache... achana na mimi..."

"Leave me... leave me... leave me alone..." Everyone woke up. Some laughed. Some got confused. Some just stared at him. But I knew something was not right. The next day during devotion, he came to me quietly and said, "Chair... I am not okay." I listened. Then he opened up. He told me he had been involved sexually with a girl, and after that things had not been normal. He said at night he felt disturbed. He said he kept having strange dreams. He said he felt emotionally and spiritually tied in ways he could not explain.

He told me he felt like he had created a soul tie. As strange as that may sound to some people… I was there. I saw his fear. I saw his struggle. And that day I learned something. Sex may begin in the body… but sometimes what it touches goes deeper than the body. Sometimes the heart. Sometimes the mind. Sometimes emotions. Sometimes even places a person cannot easily explain. And sitting there alone in Sweetwaters that night… coffee in my hand… low music playing… blanket on my shoulders… Bible open… I knew this was not just another thought.

This was another Church Thought.